THE IMPORTANCE OF POOPING PROPERLY!

WARNING EXCESSIVE USE OF TOILET HUMOR!

Hey, where are you going?

Sit down you need to read this!

Most of us take for granted the function of eliminating waste from our bodies, into the toilet we go and out we come never a conversation to be had about what we just did.

It's like it never happens.

I am going to encourage you to all start talking about your poo poos, please.

Yes, that's right a "good morning have you done a poo today?" is taking a healthy interest in each other and could prevent bowel cancer. It's polite.

My daughter rolls her eyes when I ask her this and tells me I am weird, I remind her that "Everybody Poops" her response is "yeah but not everyone talks about it."

Well you should!

And you should be paying attention yourself to what you are depositing in the loo.

How often should you poop?

Well everyone has their own kinda regularity, some people poop every day usually after coffee. Some people can poop 2 or more times a day, there really is not a right or wrong amount of pooping that's considered healthy. It's the sudden changes in amounts or frequency that may become an issue.

These are some pooping scenarios that might be indicative of having to take a look at your diet or need further investigation:

You get hot and sweaty feel like you are going to pass out and are considering installing a panic button in the loo.

When your poop drops into the bowl and it lets off a sonic boom you hear car alarms 6 miles away and it cracks the toilet bowl.

If you feel you are passing a log with very rough bark and its diameter is not far removed from a tree trunk, you are praying for an epidural.

The smell of your poop overwhelms you and you are considering a purchasing a hazmat suit with a butt flap.

If you poo and it slips out your butt and shoots around the s-bend never to be seen again, you wipe you are questioning "Did I poo?" This is called a ghost poo and could come back to haunt you, you really don't want anything slipping out your butt! Who you gunna call NOT the ghost busters!

A unicorn poop full of a rainbow of colours is not normal either; a solution to this can simply be to chew your food more before you swallow. Except of of course for corn, you can and chew and chew that stuff still comes out whole!

Do not strain or push when pooping aside from getting piles, fissures and anal tearing pushing and straining without taking a breath may make you pass out, unpleasant for the poor person who finds you and even more embarrassing if the fire brigade has to airlift you out.

Wind is quite a normal function of a healthy bowel but it can also be an indication of a problem if people are gagging, passing out and dropping like flies around you when you fart or worse still you are barely able to maintain consciousness, it could indicate a problem or just a sluggish bowel. Please don't light a match up blue flames can cause serious burns and damage to your ringbits and other bits! Especially if it goes backwards or are wearing polyester!!!

If you eat and poop straight away it could be gastrocolic reflex and be a sign of IBS get it checked out.

Some women can suffer from dysmenorrhoea (pain and cramping) 1 or 2 days before, or when menstrual bleeding starts, and it can be accompanied by nausea-and-vomiting, fatigue, and even diarrhoea. It's not uncommon and may go away as you age but once again if it worries you get it checked out.

If when you are done Mr Hanky the Christmas poo is staring and waving back at you from the bowl - PLEASE GO SEE THE DOCTOR IMMEDIATELY!

Take care of your chocolate starfish and wipe gently from the front to the back, not the other way, I'm a big fan of the wet wipes for big people for that extra clean, extra shiny ringbit!

If you are experiencing either internal or external piles, regular bleeding with bowel movements, tears or anal fissures, get them checked. In most cases they are not serious but not always. For more information click the link bladderandbowel.org and make sure you speak to your doctor.

A visit to the throne is one that should take time, it's not a race you don't get a medal for pooping fast or first no point coming out the loo arms up in a triumphant Rocky Balboa run of glory you're not potty training anymore. Take your time relax and go when your bowel say's "I need to poop!" Don't delay as it can lead to constipation and a compacted bowel - nasty stuff!

Set your loo up like a shrine get your incense sticks burning, meditate, have a pile of magazines to read or a book. I've got a mate who does Sudoku on the loo, I don't care what you have to entertain yourself, my loo walls are cover in motivational quotes and jokes, just make sure you take your time. Get yourself in the right position, you need to have your knees up and be in a 35◦ position like this:

You can buy a squatty potty from here squattypottyaustralia.com very fancy or you could just buy a kids step up from Kmart for $5.00 does the trick just as well. Remember don't push or strain if you rock gently side to side, backwards and forwards it aids the peristalsis movement of the bowel and helps get that movement "movin".

Your poo should come out like squeezing toothpaste from a tube, smooth like a sausage or a snake (you'll never look at toothpaste the same way again) and it should plop into the loo with minimal splash. It should be as long as your arm from your wrist to your elbow with not much smell. NICE, that's what I call a happy poo!

Stress can cause some nasty changes in your bowel movements as well, if you know you are eating right, drinking enough water, sleeping well and exercising then take a look at your life. Are you in a stressful relationship, is work full on or are your friends or family worrying you at the moment? If so take some time out to de-stress, ditch the bad relationship, seriously you don't keep watering a dead plant, prioritize at work and try not to take on other people's problems. Remember to breathe!

Now most of these pooping scenarios can be a simple case of getting more fibrous fruits and veggies in your diet like celery. It's loaded with water has heaps of fibre it's good bowel food and increase your water intake a minimum of 6-8 glasses a day please. Some may be an indication you have too much oil in your diet. If you're heavy on the margarine or you love peanut oil use a small amount of butter instead and decrease peanut oil. But many can indicate you need further investigation into your pooping habits, please have a conversation with your doctor if you have any concerns.

Now I have made light of a very serious issue, bowel cancer is Australia's No. 2 cancer killer and 90% of cases can be prevented through early detection. Bowel screen make an easy to use test kit you can buy from the chemist. If you are aged between 50 - 74 they will actually send you one for free but if you are not and you are concerned about your poop's and it's good to be concerned, you can buy the kit for just under $40. Now here's the bit I like you take two samples over two different days and then off you pop to the post office where you deposit your sample. Don't drop it in a post box you need to hand it into the peeps behind the desk, just to make sure you don't have unwanted heat affecting your samples. Do that with a straight face - I dare you. For more information about bowel caner and the kit click the link stickittonumber2

If you are really keen you can download an app call Poo Keeper it tracks your poop's for you just in case you forget if you have pooped. As the apps say's you simply dump, snap and wipe, yep that's right you take a picy of your poop, don't worry it doesn't store the photo in with your other pic's it's discrete. It will then ask a few descriptive questions about your poo and rate the poo you have done, it tracks the number of days you poop and you can set a reminder if you haven't pooed for 36 hours. It's a great app for those who have noticed a change or if you just want to keep track. Yes I have it, did you really need to ask!

And for those who enjoy toilet humour something to brighten your day poopnames.com